这次写日记没打算写很严肃的东西，就以流水账的形式说说好了。从9月月底到今天，回了一趟老家，出席了老弟的婚宴，见了一些朋友。另外，日记里写的都是吐槽！所以如果熟人看到了请原谅我，这里就是吐槽的树洞，我的好话都留在线下见面说了。

1. 9月末

9月末沉迷于原神打枪模式，突然发现自己似乎有点喜欢第三人称枪战游戏，那几天几乎每天都要帮人打挑战。当时女朋友的朋友A来我们家玩，我还主动地问要不要让我帮她打枪战挑战。没想到触发了她俩的尴尬瞬间。因为6月时女朋友和这位朋友A之间发生一些事情，女朋友再也不帮她打深渊了；而我在问朋友A要不要打枪战挑战之前并不知道的这件事。我还是把这件事记在这里好了。女朋友已经无偿主动帮喜欢佛系玩游戏的朋友A打了很久的深渊挑战，拿到了很多原石奖励。在6月初帮忙玩时不小心抽了一抽结果出了五星角色，但并不是朋友A想要的角色。朋友A因此大发雷霆，责怪了很久我女朋友。总之，最后我女朋友再也不帮她打挑战了。真是难以评价朋友A，也许朋友A性格里缺点什么大家都有的东西？

这件事还让我思考了一下……我似乎还没和现在玩得好的朋友出过这种矛盾。是我的朋友们情绪都太稳定了？回想过去，似乎我才是情绪最不稳定的那个，做过不少傻事。而近些年我也逐渐变得稳定。有人说男性到28岁前额叶才完全发育成熟，才能足够理性地控制情绪。也许确实有道理，另外我觉得也有这两年不接受官方煽动性叙事的效果……因为以前信那些东西的时候，真的有种像“红小兵”的感觉：易怒易冲动。

9月末中秋节。和女朋友去吃了一次自助铁板烧烤，怪高端的饭店。三文鱼刺身的味道是真不错，但是真不敢多吃。对于已经节食减肥两个多月的我，胃口还没完全打开，慢慢吃了一些东西，居然很快就饱了。最后一道菜是火焰冰激凌，厨师将冰激凌放置在一片菠萝上，置于铁板中间灼烧；接着在冰激凌周围倒上油，待油热了之后向铁板上的热油中倒入类似酒的液体，混合物快速气化变成油雾，这时厨师在边缘使用打火机点火，形成烈焰包围冰激凌的壮观现象。火焰大约一米多高、一米多宽，热辐射烘烤着脸庞，让我想起了许多年前在野外点火的经历。烤完的冰激凌有点融化了，说实话并不是很好吃，而且有点油烟味，就是在家里炒菜锅着火后菜品会沾上的味道。

中秋节后我和一个好久没联系的老同学Z聊天，才知道她过得有多累。Z毕业后去了XX工业XX研究所，这企业中秋一天没休息，国庆节还加班三天；平时加班是日常，整体上还有减薪，真是绝了。她还给我爆了一个料，某国之重器的某个部件质量有些问题。笑死，也是挺难以评价的，总之官媒宣传的有些东西真的别轻信。

9月30日，我成功将体重减到了77-78公斤区间，可喜可贺！

2. 10月初

坐了一天一夜的硬卧回老家，太累了，虽然是动车硬卧的下铺（二等卧铺），但是硬卧还是空间小，而且铁路不是无缝钢轨，有点吵。可能只睡着几个小时，比上次坐普通火车软卧下铺难受多了。上次坐软卧，刚好我被女朋友第二次传染Covid-19，让我微弱发烧和嗓子疼，在安静的火车上能够深睡眠，睡了一大觉居然痊愈了。由于有上次的经验，这次坐硬卧前我还信心满满和朋友说没问题，没想到被打脸……我回程还是选择坐飞机了。

回到家是10月1日下午六点左右，吃了饺子。还是我妈包的饺子好吃。这天也没干啥就过了，时间来到了2日。我弟（非亲弟弟）的婚礼在3日，所以2日下午我们就去他家参加，呃……我也不知道叫什么，总之是叫“包饺子”宴席？是传统婚礼结婚前一晚在男女双方各家楼下办流水席（应该是流水席吧？吃饭的大部分人都不认识，不知道是不是受邀才能来吃，我也没想问）男方女方家各办各的，主要是宴请自家的亲朋好友。非一线城市或非大陆的朋友可能会认为是像图中这样精致的坐席：

我只能说中国大陆北方地区传统还是会突破你的想象。实际上的坐席：一帮中老年大爷大妈穿着随意坐在简易塑料板凳上，头顶红色大排档的棚子，用工地电灯泡照明，每桌都有人抽烟，整个场地吵吵闹闹，厨师在角落搭建起来临时露天厨房，在如此简陋的条件下能做好几十道菜，也是挺厉害的。即便如此，这个宴席实际包办是交给了专门搞这个的公司，由他们负责派人布置宴席场地、找厨师做菜和传菜上菜。

饭后听到这十二桌左右的宴席花费了7500RMB，我还挺震惊的。也就是说平均一桌我弟家花费625，这些菜品成本少说有200+，也就是说一桌能让这个他们赚400左右，12桌赚4800。再算上一些平摊的固定成本，恐怕厨师、司机、服务人员（10人+）平均每人赚300左右。这还是假期期间结婚人多的行情……确实让我惊叹大陆人力成本之低。不过想想这个水平的花费，当然也不可能像西方婚宴那样精致啦。

对了，我还听说一种说法：为什么现在流行这种婚礼日T-1日办流水席，是因为最近几年政府不让放鞭炮了，于是人们就找了一种新的“传统”来替补偿不能放鞭炮所失去的“热闹气氛”。

1. 婚礼当天上午

10月3日，我早晨5点半起床，前往我弟家围观婚礼。虽然前一天似乎安排我要做什么，但是由于我弟的伴郎们很靠谱，所以我几乎没帮上什么忙。听弟说他们4点左右就起床开始化妆，新娘那边要更早。想想就很痛苦呢。

今天的整体流程这样的：当我弟准备好之后，在我弟这边办一个“出门”仪式，坐婚车前往新娘家。在新娘家，我弟需要敲开闺房，与闺房的新娘伴娘玩些小游戏，通关之后才可抱新娘出闺房。接着，在新娘家中同新娘一道向新娘父母、祖父母和外公婆敬酒磕头，而这些长辈要在新人磕头后给他们发红包。最后，新郎新娘出家门，与亲朋好友合影，在新娘家楼下走过红毯和气球拱门。至此，新娘便可随新郎前往新郎家，完成“出阁”。当新娘随新郎坐婚车来到新郎家中，要做的事情也就几样：来向新郎父母长辈们敬酒磕头、拿红包。然后合影。

整体流程蛮传统的，不过在我眼里最让我接受不了倒不是某个个别仪式，而是全程都是吵吵闹闹的，屋子里挤满了看热闹的人，以及到处都是抽烟的烟味。就好像新人是演员，他们只是在完成供旁人观赏的一场表演，而不是在完成自己的婚事。不过这只是我的看法，也许我弟和弟媳觉得吵闹约等于热闹，确实也有年轻人持有类似观点。还好仪式里没出现什么更加传统的“把新娘以前的生活用品放到陪嫁嫁妆中”“新娘家人拉着新娘的手哭半天”这种我不太好评价的现象。另外，早晨7点左右楼下就开始有敲锣打鼓和唱戏环节，一直持续到我弟出门前往新娘家。这个是除了吵闹以外也很难让我接受的事。这种红绿配色、穿着东北大棉袄的大妈锣鼓队和自嗨的民歌，真的不是审美下滑……审丑吗？

2. 婚礼和午宴

上午传统的仪式走完，来到了中午的正式婚礼现场和午宴。场地还是比较漂亮的，只是很多人抽烟，烟雾都给搞出丁达尔效应了。

图中不太明显，当仪式开始之后，大灯关闭、射灯打开，那丁达尔效应的光柱超明显。说实话，在这里的仪式本身没有什么让我印象深刻的部分，各种环节如同流水般滑过我的大脑皮层。现在我想起来哪点记哪点：1. 新娘婚纱太长导致下楼梯时摔倒了。这其实挺危险的，也有点尴尬。不过不是在图中这个方向的楼梯，而是位于镜头正右侧、舞台正对面的楼梯。2. 司仪还是在祝福语中说了“早生贵子”，不过我也不知道我弟和她老婆是不是真的想要孩子啦，反正我是不想听这句话。3. 两人走完仪式后，似乎是我弟家这边请来了几个有才艺的人表演节目，有两个是唱歌一个是跳舞……真的好尴尬，唱歌唱的都是些听不懂的民歌，跳舞跳的是欣赏不来的非洲肚皮舞。唱歌的声音超吵，我靠着降噪耳机才躲过一劫。4. 仪式前还有写祝福语领彩票刮奖环节，但是我的手气一如既往的差，啥都没中。5. 仪式中没有“新娘父亲牵着新娘手把她交给新郎”的老套环节，这点让我感觉还不错。6. 这饭桌上的菜中规中矩，就是佛跳墙这道菜也太假了，感觉就是一锅用玉米面粉勾的芡放了点味增和海参。

我不禁在想，如果是我和我女朋友在这个台上，我俩恐怕连笑都笑不出来了，如果都走到这个台上就意味着已经受人摆布很久了。我和我女朋友谁都受不了这么复杂冗长的仪式。甚至不想结婚。好希望人能过得简单点，好想逃离这个传统的社会，哈哈。

午宴结束后，我们拍了一些合照，另外还有拍立得可玩，可惜拍出来的照片我放在家里了。

3. 婚礼当天下午

下午，我弟说安排了我们同辈人去轰趴馆（Home party？）玩，让我和我表姐也参加。我听说有些桌游台球，欣然同意。我和我姐由于没啥安排，我俩最先去了我弟预定的轰趴馆，没想到这馆不仅位置偏僻，房间里居然没收拾上一批客人留的垃圾，餐厅里桌子也没擦……也找不到服务人员，突出一个随意，恶心得我们迅速拦下了一辆刚好拉伴郎来这里的出租车回家了。感觉老弟被坑了，毕竟他和他老婆平常都在几千公里外的城市工作，又有谁知道这轰趴馆是这样呢。但是当我们转身走的时候已经有伴郎进轰趴馆房间了，看他们似乎能接受在这里玩……我和我姐便也不好再说啥了，趁我弟还没来这里，编了个理由发给我弟：我们回去睡觉啦；然后坐上出租车就跑了。出租车司机还挺纳闷，说怎么在这偏僻巷子刚放下婚礼伴郎就能拉上离开的客人。我向他说明了这个轰趴馆有多拉，他表示赞同我们开溜的做法。然后他说“尤其带女孩子，可不能到这种不正经的地方玩”，并向我讲了他的故事。

他的领导曾经邀请他参加商务卡拉OK(KTV)，并说“可以带熟人一起来”。这个卡拉OK还请了甲方领导，但他稀里糊涂地回家后问老婆要不要一起来，他老婆也没多想就同意了。于是，他和他老婆一同出现在了卡拉OK的包房里，尴尬的一幕发生了：他的领导和甲方领导以及一些同事一人抱着或腿上坐着一个小妹。他和他老婆都呆住了：这些人在正做不正经的事情啊，又是搂搂抱抱又是摸胸什么的！领导看到他也呆住了，怎么会有人带老婆来这种场合的？不正经的动作也停下了。他老婆待了一会儿说我先走了，他也尴尬的和领导说：“我也先走了”。他说：“如果我这时候不跟老婆一起走，那老婆怎么看我！”第二天，领导怒骂他说你是不是脑子有病？怎么还带老婆来的？听得我哈哈大笑。

感觉每个城市的出租车司机都熟悉这种下三路地点和八卦。我以前在湖北黄石出差时，出租车司机说我住的那个高档酒店，每到晚上就有很多漂亮女孩坐车去那里。由于有合作方的人要求让我们住那个酒店，我在酒店电梯也确实看到了有单人出行的打扮非常漂亮非常斩男的女性；同时我也了解到那个酒店是黄石企业和政府做招待时常用的招牌酒店，而且这个酒店在中国大陆全境都被下令不过西方节日的严肃审查氛围下居然还能破例为外宾举办万圣节活动，有些事情可想而知。还好我们公司和合作方大部分都是正经人，没人做那些不干净的事情。

这里倒不是说我弟他们去玩轰趴是做什么不正经的事情，我相信他们。只是觉得今天的这些事情很值得记录。下午回到家中睡了一大觉，起来看到我弟发消息说睡醒了再找他玩，但我也没去，对不住了老弟！

4. 4日

上午没做什么，主要是下午找我发小Z玩。下午和他先打了两个小时台球，然后遛弯、聊天和吃晚饭。我才知道他现在在广告公司工作，每天就是去各个小区换电梯中的广告纸。由于效益不好，他们上班也不用按时打卡了，每天打个外勤卡、把广告发完就行。他觉得这个工作挺好。他说：“我上一个工作是在煤矿外包工程队，一个月可以赚一万多（RMB）。工作第一天我还期待这一万到手该怎么花呢，工作了两三天我就在想‘人怎么可以干这么累的活儿’”据他所讲，这边煤矿的开采面都是正式工，干的活儿相对不累也不危险；而他们外包队非正式工干的都是掘进面的活儿，负责爆破、掘进巷道，即便有机械帮助非常辛苦，他刚去也只是打打下手，但这都给他累够呛。

虽然和他聊了很多，但是大多都是我们知道的故事。吃晚餐时他还叫来了他女朋友，他女朋友是在老家这边的高职（大专）做行政老师的，感觉还是目前不错的工作。我似乎有问他们怎么相识的，但是现在想不起来了，可恶。我确实好奇他们如何认识的，因为发小没读过大学，能相识这位姑娘想必不是通过在学校邂逅。

我们小团体还有两位朋友，但是今天都不在，一个跑到了俄罗斯当交换生，一个跑到了福建打工。跑一个正在打仗的国家也是厉害，不过他好像是公费留学，而且他从小学过俄语，所以也许没得选？福建打工的那位是和他老爸闹了很大矛盾，据我了解他爸也是挺爱说教的，他跑得好啊，我爹也爱说教，他觉得当爹就有支配权。

今晚回到家有点晚了，正好避开了我爹的说教。

5. 5日

今天约了另一个朋友S玩。他是我小学同班、初中同校和高中同校，同时是一位超级帅的帅哥，大概是校草级别？首先，他和我一样都是180cm+的身高，但是他的五官有点女相（我女朋友和我妈看了照片都这么评价）。侧脸看，他的五官线条非常像我喜欢的法国女星蕾雅·赛杜：

现在我们这一代人流行的女性向审美已经不再崇尚那种棱角分明的硬汉线条，朋友S脸部的柔美的曲线确实是让很多很多女孩喜欢（我一男生也喜欢！）再加上他性格也不强势，真的是……

我、朋友S和朋友L三人在小学经常一起玩，但小学毕业时没有留朋友L的任何联系方式……那个还没有智能手机的时代，朋友S仅记了朋友L家的座机号码，但是现在大概也搬家了。真是可惜。

他带我去尝了咖啡节的咖啡，确实让我眼前一亮。冷萃虽然苦些，但是倒在液氮杯+芭乐奶冻中，形成了细腻而甜爽的口感。接着我们逛了逛万达广场，看了看玩具店……现在的玩具店卖的手办玩偶虽然漂亮，但大多都是不认识的IP了，仅有鬼灭之刃和柯南还能看到……略有扫兴呢。接着，他提议带我去湿地公园看一看，我欣然同意。好多年没回来，我还没去逛过呢。我们先打车去到他家，然后他骑电动车带我去公园。我们到达已是傍晚，远处的落日晚霞非常好看，可惜我只顾着和他说话和偷看他脸庞了，忘记了拍照。也许……是我心里觉得落日夕阳年年有，但年轻俊美的脸庞一定要趁年轻多看，老了看不到了就太可惜了哈哈。

中途有聊到他的感情经历，不过我也不想在这里多写，毕竟他自己可能多少有点被某些追求者烦到。不过，他和现任刚分手不久。他虽然没细说为啥分，但是大概是觉得有点累了？在见面的一个月前看他朋友圈，居然清空了大部分分享并开启了仅三天可见的权限限制。看来就是那个时候分手的。他目前在矿业设备检修公司工作，是他妈妈找人给他介绍的工作，地点也比较偏远，感觉是直接发配到没有女人缘的地方了；另外这个工作有些体力活儿，给他干得体重居然比我还重（>78kg，不知道他说的体重是不是真的），但是他穿了超宽松的衣服，看不出来身材。

逛完公园，我们回到城隍庙遛弯和聊天。他在城隍庙附近也有一个房子，小学时我们经常在这边玩。我们聊了许多以前的事情，我也和他讲了现在我的生活。我们都聊到不想结婚，他甚至都不想谈下一个女朋友……尽管他外公有在催促他结婚，哈哈。我们这一代人，要么就像我弟，会在25岁以内非常迅速地结婚甚至生子，要么就像我拖着不想做这些。拖着，把自己的生活过好才是对自己好。被上一辈NPD老家伙们控制太久，还没活清楚自己的生活，干嘛要那么早结婚？

晚上我们各自点了一份城隍庙的小吃，并且互相分享了自己点的那份。再往后就是继续逛到我们的小学母校门口、我家门口……聊了很多往事。他还讲了一件我不知道的事：小学放学后他在我家窗口下叫我出来玩，但我当时可能是我爹要求我写完作业才能出去玩，所以他就一直叫我；但是叫着叫着就开始喊我的外号……直到我爹出门，恶狠狠地对他说了一句：瞎叫什么呢！笑死，这个外号要不是他说，我都要想不起来了。最后，我们在我家小区门口分别，他问我明年什么时候回来，我也想给出一个确切的时间，但我还有事瞒着家里，并且也不想见我爹……我也没法确定什么时候才好回家。

回想过去，我认为他是唯一能改变我性取向的人。高中偶尔在学校和他一起玩，即便是拉住他的手，也不会感觉不舒服……换别的男生的手，我恐怕早就犯恶心了。可惜没有如果，高中时朦胧的感情像漫天吹雪中的一丝暖流，在紧张的学习氛围中很快就飘走了。

6. 6日

6日只是去大姑家吃了饭，没有什么特别值得记录的。倒是前一天晚上我回家后发生的事情值得特别记录一下（而且我不愿把它和与朋友S的相会记录在同一段中）在５日晚上，由于我和朋友S吃了辣味小吃，导致我扁桃体感觉有异物感，就好像有什么东西扎进去了，我爹陪我去了医院的耳鼻喉科急诊看了一下，医生说没东西，倒是有个划痕，可能是中午我在家里吃鱼划伤了导致吃辣椒刺激到了这里。万幸不是扎东西了。在回程路上，我爹果然开始了他的说教。他的话大致就是嫌我女朋友学历不高，想让我在结婚这件事上慎重考虑，最好找个差不多的，以后好一起努力。他还说他知道在我工作的城市（三亚）有合适的相亲对象，只是知道我有现任女朋友所以不敢推给我。我也真是无语，我刚对这些话发表一点点评论，他就以“我们长辈都是为你们好，想让你们以后事业、生活好才这样”的理由搪塞。和他说话也非常缺乏逻辑感，因为他会胡搅蛮缠和道德绑架，最后不知怎么我就开始揶揄他说“你们这辈倒是赶上了时代红利，但我怎么没见你事业和生活过得很好呢？”最终谈话在不了了之中结束。没错，他脑子里都是宏大叙事和利益算计，根本不会过日子，在家里和我妈也合不来；事业上也不知道干啥了，总之没吃到太多他们那辈应有的时代红利。

我晚上躺在床上时就在想，如果6日在与大姑聚餐的饭桌上，他或者大姑问到我之后结婚有什么打算，我会像《无职转生》的鲁迪乌斯一样讽刺他。具体这样说：“我和我现任已经处了有八年了，我们的好友们都知道我们感情很好。我原本是打算结婚的，但是现在我改变了计划。昨天我爸语重心长地说了很多，我很理解，我以后要以前途为重，我打算和现任分手，去相亲结识一个门当户对、学历相当的有体制内工作的的高知女性；以后被朋友问起来为什么分手，我会告诉他们我们家训就是这样的，见风使舵、排除感性、利益至上，我们三代人都是这样。想必抱着这样的价值观，在以后也能顺利交到可以交心的朋友、忠诚于我一辈子的伴侣吧”

可惜6日聚餐，没人关心我和女朋友方面的事，恐怕也和这次聚餐没回来的大堂姐，也就是大姑的女儿至今未婚有关吧……他们不好意思提这些男女感情之事。

7. 7日后

令我震惊事突然出现了。假期结束，回程路上我才知道我的另一个发小朋友W是深柜！之前我几乎没注意到……这次发现是因为我转发群里的一个我猜他会喜欢的同性福瑞(furry)色图给他看，在他给我解释这些概念的时候，他说“感觉解释这些事情比出柜还羞耻”，我才知道他是深柜！回想过去，他确实是在聊天、兴趣爱好和处事方面有些明显的迹象；但因为他和一些女生有过绯闻，所以导致我曾经以为他是喜欢女生的。万万没想到啊。我后来向他请（八）教（卦）了许多同性之间的事情，真是大开眼界了，嘿嘿。

Journal: 20261013 – Reflections on the Mid-Autumn and National Day Holidays

I didn’t plan to write anything too serious for this journal entry; I’ll just write it chronologically as a stream of consciousness. From the end of September until today, I took a trip back to my hometown, attended my younger brother’s wedding banquet, and caught up with some friends. Also, everything written here is pure venting! So if any acquaintances happen to read this, please forgive me. This place is just a venting tree hole; all my nice words are saved for when we meet offline.

1. Late September

In late September, I was obsessed with the gun-shooting mode in Genshin Impact, and suddenly realized I might actually like third-person shooter games. During those few days, I found myself helping others with challenges almost every day. At the time, my girlfriend’s friend A came over to our place, and I proactively asked if she wanted me to help her with the shooting challenges. Little did I know, this would trigger an awkward moment between the two of them. Back in June, some drama had happened between my girlfriend and this friend A, to the point where my girlfriend vowed never to help her with the Spiral Abyss ever again. I didn’t know about this history when I offered to help friend A with the shooting challenge. I guess I’ll just note it down here anyway. My girlfriend had previously spent a huge amount of uncompensated time and effort helping friend A—who plays games very casually—with the Abyss challenges, winning tons of Primogem rewards for her. But during the help session in early June, my girlfriend accidentally did a single pull that happened to yield a 5-star character—just not the character friend A wanted. Friend A threw a massive fit over this and scolded my girlfriend for a long time. In short, my girlfriend stopped helping her with challenges altogether. It’s really hard to comment on friend A; maybe she lacks something that most people naturally possess in their personality?

This incident also made me reflect… I don’t think I’ve ever had such friction with my close friends nowadays. Is it because my friends are all so emotionally stable? Looking back, I suppose I used to be the most emotionally unstable one, having pulled plenty of foolish stunts. Over recent years, I’ve gradually become more stable. Some people say that a man’s prefrontal cortex doesn’t fully mature until age 28, allowing him enough rationality to control his emotions. There might actually be some truth to that. Besides, I feel that staying away from official sensationalized narratives over the last couple of years has also played a role… Because when I used to believe in that stuff, I genuinely felt like a “Little Red Guard”: easily angered and impulsive.

In late September, it was the Mid-Autumn Festival. My girlfriend and I went to a buffet teppanyaki grill—a rather upscale restaurant. The salmon sashimi tasted genuinely amazing, though I didn’t dare eat too much of it. Having been on a diet to lose weight for over two months now, my appetite hasn’t fully opened up yet; I ate slowly and surprisingly got full very quickly. The final course was flaming ice cream: the chef placed a scoop of ice cream on top of a slice of pineapple right in the middle of the hot iron griddle, poured cooking oil around the ice cream, and once the oil was hot, poured a liquor-like liquid into the sizzling oil on the griddle. The mixture rapidly vaporized into an oily mist, at which point the chef sparked a lighter at the edge, creating a spectacular ring of flames completely enclosing the ice cream. The flame was about a meter high and a meter wide, and its radiant heat baked my face, reminding me of lighting outdoor campfires many years ago. The grilled ice cream was a bit melted, and to be honest, it didn’t taste that great. It had a slight oily smoke flavor—the exact taste food gets when cooking oil catches fire in a home wok.

After the Mid-Autumn Festival, I chatted with an old classmate Z whom I hadn’t contacted in a long time, and that was when I learned how exhausting her life had been. After graduation, Z went to work at an XX Industrial XX Research Institute. That company didn’t give her a single day off for Mid-Autumn and made her work three days of overtime during the National Day holiday; working overtime is an everyday routine there, and overall their salaries have even been cut—it’s simply unbelievable. She also dropped some gossip: a certain component of a certain national-level heavy-duty apparatus has some quality defects. Lol, it’s pretty hard to comment on that too. Anyway, the moral of the story is never to blindly believe what official state media propagates.

On September 30, I successfully reduced my weight into the 77-78 kg range. Yay!

2. Early October

I took a day and a night in a hard sleeper train back to my hometown. It was exhausting. Even though I had a lower hard sleeper berth (second-class sleeper), the space is still cramped, and the railway doesn’t use continuous welded rails, so it was quite noisy. I probably only managed to sleep for a few hours, making it much more miserable than the lower soft sleeper berth on a conventional train I took last time. During that soft sleeper trip, I happened to catch COVID-19 for the second time from my girlfriend, giving me a mild fever and a sore throat. Yet, I managed to fall into a deep sleep in the quiet train, woke up after a huge nap, and miraculously recovered completely. Drawing from that past experience, I was full of confidence and told my friend before boarding the hard sleeper this time that it would be a breeze—only to have reality slap me in the face… I’ll definitely be choosing to fly for the return trip.

I arrived home around 6:00 PM on October 1 and had dumplings. Dumplings wrapped by my mom are always the best. Nothing much happened that day, and soon it was October 2. My younger brother’s (not a biological brother) wedding was scheduled for October 3, so on the afternoon of the 2nd, we went over to his place to attend… well, I’m not even sure what it’s called, maybe a “dumpling wrapping” banquet? It’s a traditional banquet held on the floor right outside the apartment buildings of both the bride and groom on the eve of the wedding (open-air mobile banquets, I suppose? Most of the people eating there are strangers; I have no idea if you need an invitation to eat, and I didn’t bother asking). Separate banquets are held at both the groom’s and bride’s homes, mainly to treat close relatives and friends. Friends who aren’t from Tier-1 cities or mainland China might imagine refined seating arrangements like the one shown in the photo:

I can only say that traditions in northern mainland China will continuously shatter your imagination. The actual seating: a bunch of middle-aged and elderly uncles and aunts wearing casual clothes sitting on makeshift plastic stools, under a red open-air food stall canopy, illuminated by construction site lightbulbs. People are smoking at every table, the whole venue is noisy and bustling, and the chefs set up a temporary open-air kitchen in the corner. Managing to whip up dozens of dishes under such primitive conditions is quite impressive. Even so, the organization of this banquet was actually outsourced to a specialized company responsible for setting up the venue, hiring chefs, cooking, and serving dishes.

After the meal, I heard that this banquet of around 12 tables cost 7,500 RMB, which genuinely shocked me. That averages out to 625 RMB per table for my brother’s family. Given that the raw food ingredients alone must cost at least 200+ RMB, the organizers are making roughly 400 RMB profit per table, coming out to about 4,800 RMB profit across 12 tables. Factor in some shared fixed costs, and the chefs, drivers, and service staff (10+ people) probably averaged about 300 RMB in earnings per person. And this is during peak wedding season when prices are high… It really made me marvel at how low labor costs are in mainland China. Of course, given this level of spending, it’s obviously not going to be as refined as Western wedding banquets.

By the way, I also heard an interesting theory: why these T-minus-1-day mobile street banquets are so popular now is because the government banned firecrackers in recent years, so people invented a new “tradition” to compensate for the missing “bustling atmosphere” caused by the ban.

3. Morning of the Wedding Day

On October 3, I woke up at 5:30 AM and headed over to my brother’s place to watch the wedding festivities unfold. Although it seemed like I was assigned some tasks the day before, my brother’s groomsmen were super reliable, so I ended up barely having to help with anything. My brother mentioned they woke up around 4:00 AM to start doing makeup, and the bride’s side started even earlier. Just thinking about it sounds painful.

The overall workflow for the day went like this: Once my brother was ready, a “departure” ceremony was held at his place, after which they took the wedding convoy to the bride’s home. At the bride’s house, my brother had to break through the bridal chamber door by playing mini-games with the bride and her bridesmaids, and only after passing the trials could he carry the bride out of her room. Next, together with the bride, they offered toasts and performed kowtows to the bride’s parents, grandparents, and maternal grandparents, and these elders handed out red envelopes (cash gifts) to the newlyweds in return. Finally, the bride and groom stepped out of the house, took photos with friends and relatives, and walked down a red carpet and balloon archway outside her building. At this point, the bride could accompany the groom back to the groom’s home, completing the “leaving maidenhood” ritual. Once the bride arrived at the groom’s home via the wedding car, the main tasks were similar: serving drinks and kowtowing to the groom’s parents and elders to collect more red envelopes, followed by group photos.

The whole process is quite traditional, but what I personally found hardest to accept wasn’t any specific individual ritual, but rather the constant, chaotic noise throughout the entire event. The rooms were crammed with onlookers, and the air was thick with cigarette smoke. It felt as though the newlyweds were mere actors putting on a performance for others to watch, rather than actually celebrating their own marriage. But that’s just my perspective; maybe my brother and his wife feel that noise equals liveliness, and indeed, some young folks hold similar views. Fortunately, the rituals didn’t include even more archaic practices like “packing the bride’s old personal belongings into her dowry” or “the bride’s family crying for ages while holding her hands”—phenomena I wouldn’t even know how to critique. Additionally, starting around 7:00 AM downstairs, there was a gongs-and-drums troupe combined with folk opera singing that went on non-stop until my brother left for the bride’s house. Apart from the sheer noise, this was another thing I found extremely difficult to endure. That red-and-green color scheme, with middle-aged aunties wearing Northeast padded floral jackets playing gongs and self-amusing folk songs—is this really a decline in aesthetics, or outright ugliness?

4. The Wedding and Noon Banquet

After finishing the morning’s traditional rituals, we headed to the formal wedding venue and noon banquet. The venue itself was quite pretty, but so many people were smoking that the cigarette smoke actually created a visible Tyndall effect under the lights.

It’s not very clear in the photo, but once the ceremony started, the main lights went off and spotlights turned on, making those Tyndall light beams extremely obvious. To be honest, nothing about the ceremony itself left a deep impression on me; the various segments just slid across my cerebral cortex like a conveyor belt. Here are a few random things I remember:

1. The bride’s wedding dress was too long that she tripped while walking down the stairs. That was actually quite dangerous and a bit awkward. However, this didn’t happen on the stairs in the photo, but rather on the staircase located directly to the right of the camera frame, facing the stage.
2. The emcee still uttered the traditional blessing wishing them “early birth of a precious child,” though I have no idea if my brother and his wife actually want kids. Anyway, I hate hearing that line.
3. After the couple finished the ceremony ritual, my brother’s side apparently invited a few talented folks to put on entertainment performances—two singers and a dancer… It was so awkward. The singers belted out unintelligible folk songs, and the dancer performed an African belly dance that I simply couldn’t appreciate. The singing volume was deafeningly loud; I survived only by relying on my active noise-canceling headphones.
4. Before the ceremony, there was a segment where people wrote blessings to claim lottery scratch cards, but my luck is abysmal as always—didn’t win a single thing.
5. The ceremony omitted the cliché ritual of “the bride’s father holding her hand and handing her over to the groom,” which I felt was a nice touch.
6. The dishes at the banquet were mediocre at best. The Buddha Jumps Over the Wall soup was particularly fake; it tasted like cornstarch slurry mixed with a hint of miso and sea cucumbers.

It made me wonder: if my girlfriend and I were up on that stage, we probably wouldn’t even be able to force a smile. Walking up to a stage like that would mean we’d already been pushed around and manipulated by others for far too long. Neither my girlfriend nor I could stand such a complicated, tedious ceremony. We don’t even want to get married. I so wish life could be simpler, and that I could escape this traditional society, haha.

After the noon banquet, we took some group photos, and there was also an instant film (Polaroid) camera to play with, though unfortunately, I left the photos I took at home.

5. Afternoon of the Wedding Day

In the afternoon, my brother mentioned he had arranged for our peer group to go hang out at a home party venue (Home Party?), and asked my older female cousin and me to join. Hearing that there would be board games and pool, I readily agreed. Since my cousin and I didn’t have much else going on, we headed to the booked party venue first. To our surprise, not only was the location remote, but the room hadn’t even been cleaned from the previous guests’ trash, and the dining tables hadn’t been wiped down either… We couldn’t find a single staff member anywhere. The whole place gave off an aura of extreme casualness and neglect that disgusted us so much we immediately flagged down a taxi that had just dropped off some groomsmen there and headed back home. I felt like my younger brother got scammed; after all, he and his wife both work in a city thousands of kilometers away, so how could they possibly know what kind of dump this party venue really was? But just as we were turning to leave, some of the groomsmen were already entering the rooms, and they seemed willing to tolerate playing there… So my cousin and I didn’t say anything further. Before my brother arrived, we made up an excuse and texted him: “We’re heading back to sleep!” and jumped into a taxi. The taxi driver was quite amused, wondering how he could possibly pick up departing passengers from the exact same remote alley where he had just dropped off wedding guests. I explained to him how terrible that party venue was, and he agreed with our decision to bail. Then he remarked, “Especially when you’re with a young girl, you really shouldn’t go hanging out in such shady places,” and proceeded to share a story of his own.

His former boss once invited him to a business karaoke (KTV) session, telling him, “You can bring a close friend along.” This KTV had also invited the client company’s boss. Without thinking much of it, he went home and asked his wife if she wanted to come, and she agreed without overthinking either. So, he and his wife showed up together at the KTV private room, and an awkward scene unfolded: his boss, the client boss, and a few colleagues were each holding or having a hostess sitting on their laps. He and his wife were frozen in shock: these people were doing shady business right in front of them, hugging, touching, and groping! When the boss saw him, he froze too—who on earth brings their wife to this kind of occasion?! The shady actions stopped instantly. After staying for a short while, his wife said, “I’m leaving first.” He awkwardly told his boss, “I’m heading out too.” He told me, “If I hadn’t left with my wife right then, what would she have thought of me!” The next day, his boss furiously chewed him out, yelling, “Are you out of your mind? Why on earth did you bring your wife?!” Hearing that made me burst out laughing.

It feels like taxi drivers in every city are well-acquainted with these shady spots and local gossip. Back when I was on a business trip in Huangshi, Hubei, the taxi driver told me that the luxury hotel I was staying at had many gorgeous young women taking cabs there every single night. Since some partners required us to stay at that hotel, I did indeed notice women traveling alone in the elevators who were dressed up exquisitely and looked extremely attractive. At the same time, I learned that this hotel was the signature establishment frequently used for banquets by Huangshi enterprises and government officials. Furthermore, despite the strict censorship across mainland China where all levels of government ordered that Western holidays not be celebrated, this hotel somehow managed to obtain a special exception to host a Halloween event for foreign guests—you can imagine what sorts of things go on behind the scenes. Fortunately, our company and our partners were mostly upright people; nobody engaged in that kind of unclean business.

I don’t mean to imply that my brother and his friends went to the party venue to do anything shady—I trust them. I just felt that today’s experiences were well worth recording. After returning home in the afternoon, I slept for a huge chunk of the day. When I woke up, I saw a message from my brother saying we could hang out once he woke up, but I didn’t go. Sorry, little bro!

6. October 4

Didn’t do much in the morning; mostly hung out with my childhood best friend Z in the afternoon. We played two hours of pool first, then went for a stroll, chatted, and had dinner. That’s when I found out he’s currently working at an advertising company, where his daily job consists of going to various residential communities to swap out the advertisement posters inside elevator cars. Because business is bad, they don’t even have to punch in for work on time anymore; they just submit a field-work punch-in on their phones and finish distributing the ads, and they’re done for the day. He thinks this job is pretty great. He told me, “My last job was with an outsourced construction team at a coal mine, where I could make over 10,000 RMB a month. On my very first day, I was already looking forward to how I’d spend that 10k; but after working two or three days, I was thinking, ‘How on earth can human beings do such backbreaking labor?'” According to him, the coal extraction faces at the mine are staffed by regular full-time employees, whose work is relatively light and not very dangerous; whereas their outsourced temporary crew did all the tunneling-face work—responsible for blasting and digging out tunnels. Even with machinery helping, it was brutally exhausting. When he first started, he was just doing odd jobs as an assistant, but it completely wiped him out.

Though we chatted a lot, most of it revolved around stories we already knew. During dinner, he called his girlfriend over. She works as an administrative teacher at a vocational college (junior college) right here in our hometown, which seems like a pretty decent job nowadays. I think I asked how they met, but I can’t remember now, darn it. I really am curious how they crossed paths, because since my childhood friend never went to college, he certainly couldn’t have met this young lady on a campus.

There are two other friends in our little circle, but neither was around today: one ran off to Russia as an exchange student, and the other went down to Fujian to work odd jobs. Running off to a country currently at war is pretty hardcore, but it seemed to be a government-funded study abroad program, and he had studied Russian since elementary school, so maybe he didn’t have much of a choice? As for the guy working in Fujian, he had a massive falling out with his dad. From what I know, his dad is also extremely lecture-prone. Good for him for running away—my dad loves lecturing too, and acts like being a father grants him total ownership over you.

I got back home a bit late tonight, which conveniently helped me dodge my dad’s lecturing.

7. October 5

Today I arranged to hang out with another friend, S. He was my classmate in elementary school, middle school, and high school, and he is an absolute super-hunk, probably school-hunk tier. First of all, like me, he’s 180cm+ tall, but his facial features have a somewhat feminine softness to them (both my girlfriend and my mom commented on this when they saw his photos). Viewed in profile, his facial lines are strikingly similar to my favorite French actress, Léa Seydoux:

The aesthetic preferences popular among our generation of women no longer worship those chiseled, hard-boiled macho jawlines; friend S’s soft facial curves genuinely appeal to a vast number of girls (and this guy likes them too!). Coupled with his non-aggressive personality, he’s truly…

Friend S, friend L, and I used to hang out constantly back in elementary school, but when we graduated, none of us kept any contact info for friend L… In that era before smartphones, friend S only memorized friend L’s landline number, but by now they’ve probably moved. Such a pity.

He took me to try some specialty coffee at a coffee festival, which genuinely opened my eyes. Though cold brew is rather bitter, pouring it into a liquid nitrogen cup filled with guava milk pudding created a silky, sweet, and refreshing texture. Afterward, we strolled around Wanda Plaza and checked out the toy shops… The action figures and dolls sold in toy stores nowadays look pretty, but most of them belong to IPs I don’t even recognize, with only Demon Slayer and Detective Conan making appearances… A bit of a letdown. Next, he suggested taking me to the wetland park for a visit, and I readily agreed. Having been away for many years, I had never strolled through it before. We took a taxi to his house first, and then he gave me a ride to the park on his electric scooter. We arrived around dusk; the sunset and evening glow in the distance were breathtaking, but unfortunately, I was too busy talking to him and stealing glances at his face to remember to take photos. Perhaps… in my heart, I felt sunsets happen every single year, but a youthful, handsome face is something you must gaze at as much as possible while you’re young; once you grow old and can’t see it anymore, it’d be such a waste, haha.

Along the way, we touched upon his romantic history, though I don’t care to write much about it here since he himself is probably somewhat annoyed by various pursuers. However, he had broken up with his current/recent partner not too long ago. Although he didn’t go into details about why they split, he probably just felt emotionally exhausted. A month before we met, I checked his WeChat Moments and saw he had cleared out most of his shared posts and restricted access to the last three days only. Looks like that’s right when they broke up. He’s currently working at a mining equipment maintenance company, a job his mom pulled strings to get him. The location is quite remote, making it feel like he’s been directly exiled to a place with zero chance of meeting women. On top of that, the job involves some heavy physical labor, which somehow puffed his weight up to even heavier than mine (>78kg—though I’m not sure if his stated weight is true), but he wore super baggy clothes so you couldn’t really tell his build.

After walking the park, we headed back to the City God Temple (Chenghuangmiao) area to stroll and chat. He also has a place near Chenghuangmiao where we used to hang out all the time when we were kids. We reminisced about a lot of past events, and I also filled him in on my current life. We both touched upon how neither of us wants to get married; he doesn’t even want to start dating another girlfriend… despite his maternal grandfather pressuring him to tie the knot, haha. Our generation either rushes blindly into marriage and kids before 25 like my brother, or drags our feet to avoid doing any of it. Dragging our feet and living our own lives well is the best way to treat ourselves. Having been controlled by older NPD [Narcissistic Personality Disorder] geez-bags for so long without even figuring out our own lives yet, why on earth rush into marriage so early?

In the evening, we each ordered a snack near the City God Temple and shared them with each other. Afterwards, we kept walking until we reached the gates of our elementary school and my family’s front door… talking about countless memories of the past. He also shared something I didn’t know: after elementary school dismissal, he used to stand under my window calling me out to play. But back then, my dad probably demanded I finish my homework before going out, so he kept calling out; and when I didn’t answer, he started shouting my childhood nickname… until my dad stormed out and yelled viciously at him: “What the hell are you yelling for!” Lol, if he hadn’t brought it up, I never would have remembered that nickname. Finally, we parted ways at the entrance of my residential compound. He asked me when I’d be back next year, and while I wanted to give a precise date, I still have things hiding from my family, and I don’t want to see my dad either… so I couldn’t give a definite answer on when it’ll be good to come home.

Looking back, I think he is the only person who could have ever changed my sexual orientation. Hanging out with him occasionally in high school, even holding his hand didn’t feel uncomfortable at all… If it had been holding another guy’s hand, I probably would have felt nauseous ages ago. Too bad there are no “what ifs.” That hazy high school romance was like a warm current amid swirling snowflakes, quickly drifting away under the intense academic pressure.

8. October 6

On the 6th, I just went over to my eldest aunt’s place for dinner, nothing particularly noteworthy. However, what happened the night before is definitely worth recording (and I refuse to lump it into the same paragraph as my reunion with friend S). On the night of the 5th, because friend S and I had eaten spicy snacks, my tonsils felt like there was a foreign object stuck in them, as if something was poking me. My dad accompanied me to the ENT emergency department at the hospital to get it checked out. The doctor said nothing was stuck, but there was a scratch, probably caused by a fish bone when I ate fish at home at midday, which got irritated by the spicy food. Thankfully, nothing was lodged in there. On the way back, true to form, my dad started his lecture. His speech essentially boiled down to looking down on my girlfriend’s educational background, urging me to be prudent about marriage, and advising me to find someone “comparable” so we can work hard together in the future. He also claimed he knew of a suitable match for arranged dating in the city where I work (Sanya), but since he knew I already had a current girlfriend, he didn’t dare pitch her to me. I was utterly speechless. The moment I offered the slightest critique of his remarks, he brushed it off with excuses like, “We elders only have your best interests at heart; we talk like this so your career and life turn out well in the future.” Talking to him is completely devoid of logic because he resorts to sophistry and moral blackmail, and somehow I ended up starting to mock him, saying, “Your generation managed to catch all the economic boom times, so how come I don’t see your career or life turning out all that great?” The conversation ultimately fizzled out into nothing. Exactly—his brain is completely stuffed with grand narratives and selfish calculations; he has no clue how to actually live life, and he doesn’t get along with my mom at home either. As for his career, heaven knows what he did, but whatever the case, he didn’t manage to reap many of the systemic dividends his generation was supposed to enjoy.

As I lay in bed that night, I thought to myself: if at tomorrow’s family dinner at my eldest aunt’s place, he or my aunt brought up my future marriage plans, I would roast him just like Rudy Greyrat from Mushoku Tensei. I’d say something like this: “My current partner and I have been together for eight years now, and our close friends all know how deeply we care for each other. I originally planned to get married, but yesterday my dad gave me a profound lecture, and I completely understand now. From now on, I must prioritize my future prospects above all else. I plan to break up with my current girlfriend and go on blind dates to find an educated woman from a well-matched, politically secure family background who holds an official civil-service system job; if friends ask me why we broke up in the future, I’ll tell them our family motto is just like this: trimming sails with the wind, weeding out sentiment, and putting self-interest above all—all three generations of our family operate this way. Surely, holding such values will guarantee I can successfully make trustworthy friends and find a partner loyal to me for life, right?”

Unfortunately, at the family gathering on the 6th, nobody brought up anything about my love life or my girlfriend, which probably had something to do with my eldest cousin (my eldest aunt’s daughter) who hasn’t returned for these family dinners and remains unmarried to this day… They felt too embarrassed to bring up matters of romance and marriage.

9. October 7 and Beyond

Suddenly, a shocking revelation dropped. As the holiday ended and I was traveling back, I found out that another of my childhood best friends, W, is deeply in the closet! I had barely noticed before… I only found out this time because I forwarded an image of a male furry in our group chat—a piece of suggestive art I guessed he’d like. When he was explaining these concepts to me, he remarked, “Explaining this stuff feels even more embarrassing than coming out of the closet,” and that’s how I found out he’s in the closet! Looking back, he certainly had some obvious signs in his chats, hobbies, and general demeanor; but because he had been romantically linked with various girls in gossip before, I used to assume he liked women. Never would I have guessed. Later, I asked (gossiped with) him for advice on all sorts of things regarding same-sex dynamics, and it was a total eye-opener, lol.